Category Archives: Eugene Daily News

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Fellow Millennials, Congratulations Are In Order

Originally published in a very different format by Eugene Daily News on August 22, 2012.

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The first step is admitting you have a problem.

So I admit it:

I am addicted to Facebook.

The next step is putting the problem in context:

It’s not just me.

I am one of many individuals addicted to social media. In fact, so many of us are internet addicts that even executives at Facebook have no problem admitting it. Stuart Crabb, a director in the executive offices of Facebook, last year told the New York Times,

“If you put a frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, it’ll boil to death — it’s a nice analogy.”

So apparently you and I are slowly-boiling frogs. So boiled frog-like are we, in fact, that we are becoming a new disorder. The New York Times reported,

“The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, widely viewed as the authority on mental illnesses, plans next year to include ‘Internet use disorder’ in its appendix.”

This statement blew my mind.

In fact, my mind was so blown that I had to do something to express how I felt. So I promptly lifted my finger and clicked Like. I had to do something, right? Congratulations are thus in order — to myself and to you.

Because the final step is phrasing the problem in a way that makes it sound awesome.

My dear Millennials: We have just created a new disorder.

I know how media outlets and social commentators and religious prophets are always saying we Millennials are SO lazy and we aren’t doing anything productive when we spend all that time online.

To all those generational haters:

Can you say that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders added anything of interest to its appendices that your generation inspired?

Yeah, I thought not.

BOOM. Y’all got served.